100 Ways to Kill a Doctor Halloween Challenge: It's murrrderrrrrr
by Kimlavina
Summary: Somebody has been murdered! Who did it! And most importantly, does anyone care?


MY first attempt at a writing challenge. Enjoy!

Penny had seen her share of ugliness in her life – but nothing uglier than Leonard Hofstadter's cold, lumpy, naked dead body lying on the floor in the middle of the CalTech cafeteria. He was on his stomach (thank goodness) and his eyes were wide open behind his spectacles. Blood matted his already greasy hair and the apparent murder weapon, a metal stanchion, lay nearby stained with blood on the base. This was the scene Penny stumbled upon coming into the cafeteria to reluctantly meet her boyfriend per his request. The whole gang had come to the university that night to view a rare meteor shower from Raj's lab. Things had been going so-so for Penny, who had been avoiding Leonard attempts to stick his tongue in her ear at every chance he got, until her screams brought the rest of the gang rushing in to the gruesome scene.

Moonlight shone through the windows casting a pale light on the faces of her gang of friends staring down at the body. As his girlfriend, Penny knew she should be feeling shattered and devastated, but instead she felt light as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. And if she was being honest, she was fighting an urge to kick him. Penny looked up and met the eyes of Sheldon Cooper. A man she secretly longed for, and who she knew on some level returned her feelings. Unfortunately for them, the respective "loves" of their lives constantly whined and manipulated their ways into keeping an unyielding grip on the two. Sheldon's eye's reflected the merriment that she felt at this sudden turn of events.

Amy broke their gaze by stating in her voice, as monotone and boring as her stark white turtleneck and long gray skirt, "I don't understand – who could've done such a thing? We are currently the only ones here."

At that, the six friends began eyeing each other nervously. It was true, at this very late hour even the janitors were gone by the time they had gotten there. Looking exceedingly nervous Howard stuttered, "S-s-surely one of us couldn't have done it? Clearly a maniac came in here at some point and killed Leonard!" he said, his voice cracking in fear. Bernadette put her arm around him, soothing her husband/child while Raj stood there mutely twisting his forest green sweater vest looking as if he was torn between fainting and pissing himself.

Seeing a clear need for leadership, Sheldon drew himself up to his full height. "I believe," he started "What we have here is a murder."

"Duh", Howard said under his breath.

Sheldon ignored him and continued, "That said, we will need a course of action that will result in us getting out of here unharmed. I would also suggest that we heighten our awareness of our surroundings without compromising any evidence so as to assist law officials in solving this…unfortunate crime." (slight face twitch)

Penny, the only one who caught it, snickered and immediately disguised it as a cough into the sleeve of her scarlet red Huskers hoodie. Amy looked at her suspiciously before turning her attention back to Sheldon.

"Amy, please call the police and make them aware of what has occurred." She nodded and headed off to the far end of the cafeteria speaking into her cell phone in a low tone.

"Bernadette, please go into the kitchen area and get beverages for Raj and Howard before they pass out." At this point Howard and Raj were sitting at a table side-by-side gripping each other's arms. With the hideous all yellow outfit Howard was wearing, the pair looked like tacky jars of mustard and relish. Bernadette rolled her eyes at them and hurried off to the kitchen with Howard calling out behind her, "Make mines a chocolate milk!"

Sheldon then turned to Penny, "Penny, perhaps you can assist me in locating a tablecloth or sheet with which to cover the body. Of course, that is if you are not feeling too distraught", he said with a tiny smirk.

"No, no, this will help to distract me from my loss," she said dramatically.

After they left Howard turned to Raj "So how much 'mourning' do you think those two will do before hooking up?"

"Probably slim to none,' Raj snickered. "Which one of them do you think did it?"

"Who cares – Leonard's been a Class A douche for a while now. I almost didn't come tonight when you said you'd invited him."

"You hate Leonard?" At Howard's halfhearted shrug Raj exclaimed "I hate him too! I only kept hanging around him because I thought you still liked him!"

"Aw buddy, you hung around someone you hated for me? I'm touched."

Bernadette stood in front of them holding two cartons of chocolate milk, her peacock blue sweater making her blue eyes pop in the moonlight. And currently she was rolling those eyes so hard she thought she saw grey matter. "Sorry to interrupt this intimate moment," she said shoving the drinks at them, "but in case you forgot, that poor innocent man is dead!"

"Whatever Bernie, you hated him too! You told me that first night we doubled with him and Penny."

"Whaaaat? He was…ok."

Raj and Howard look at her skeptically.

"Ok, ok, I couldn't stand the little troll! He treated Penny like a brainless trophy, encouraged her drinking, didn't support her dream of acting, and treated Sheldon like shit. I'm surprised this didn't happened sooner!"

They all sat quietly absorbing the truth of her words. Howard then broke the silence by holding up a black pen and asking, "Does anyone else want to draw dicks on his face?"

Meanwhile in the utility closet, Sheldon and Penny had their arms around each other in a long comforting embrace. They slowly pulled apart, arms still around each other, eyes locked.

"Could it be?" Penny said in wonderment. "Am I finally free from that manipulating little POS? Free to be with the man I truly love?"

Sheldon arched an eyebrow, "And just who would that man be?"

"Well, it would be a certain professor who looks amazing in purple…"she said coyly running her hand down the front of his graphic t-shirt.

"Actually, the precise color of this particular shirt would be plum - ," at her annoyed glance he stopped short, "but never mind that" he finished hastily. "And yes, you are indeed free – I on the other hand have Amy to deal with."

"Yes Sheldon," a third voice spoke up angrily, "Please do tell us how you plan to deal with Amy?"

Amy had slipped into the utility closet unbeknownst to the two and had quietly observed them for a few moments before speaking up. Standing before them with her pale face looking ever paler than normal against her white shirt, she looked furious…and kinda nuts.

Penny and Sheldon jumped apart guiltily facing the neurobiologist. Penny stepped forward "Amy, look…"

"Save it bestie!" Amy cut her off. "You think I didn't know the two of you had feelings for each other? That you had a chemistry that I could never attain with MY boyfriend?" She slowly advanced towards Penny. "I thought I'd finally be able to get rid of you when I overheard Leonard trying to get you to go to the cafeteria. Unfortunately for me that damn idiot entered the cafeteria before you already naked –the little horndog- and I swung without getting a good look. I hit his head once and he tried to get away but I chased behind him and finished the job, because let's face it, everybody hated him anyway."

Sheldon and Penny murmured and nodded in agreement.

"So wait," Sheldon asked "you were trying to kill Penny?"

"Yes Sheldon and now I'm here to finish the job so you and I can get married. I have bags for us packed in my car so we can head to Las Vegas immediately from here."

"You were in my room?!" he squawked.

Sighing Amy said "Yes Sheldon, how else was I going to pack your bag."

At this point Penny spoke up. "So Amy, how are you going to kill me now?"

Amy looked surprised "Oh, ummm…in my haste to follow you I suppose I forgot to locate another weapon."

"That's what I thought," Penny said before cold-cocking the brunette knocking her clean out.

"Ok Moonpie, now that Amy's taken care of…", she grabbed his neck pulling him down into a kiss.

Later as the police were on site finishing up questioning the gang on the night's event, the lead detective stood with Sheldon and Penny. Exhausted from Sheldon's lengthy tale he finally cut him short.

"So in summation Dr. Cooper, whodunit?"

"Ah, it was Amy Farrah Fowler – the woman over there in the white who did it. With the stanchion. In the cafeteria." And with that he put his arm around Penny and they headed home.


End file.
